Universal Adoption Services

CONTACT WITH AN ADOPTION AGENCY: PART 2

Typically, we'll cover the following at a first and/or second meeting:

• Answers to the expectant mother's questions about the adoption process (always)
• Explanation of the adoption process (this will recur numerous times throughout our relationship with an expectant parent)
• How the expectant mother is feeling physically and emotionally about her pregnancy and with what's going on in her life
• Options other than adoption, including information about and referrals to resources that will support her in choosing other options
• Prenatal care: Is she getting it? If no, how can we help her access care?
• Her story, to the extent she wishes to share it at this time
• Relationship with and/or knowledge of the expectant father; his feelings about a possible adoption plan
• The expectant mother's immediate concerns
• An explanation of the roles and responsibilities the expectant parents and the agency play should we continue the relationship
• Arrangement of next meeting

What, when and how we address the above topics depends on:

• Statutory/regulatory requirements (such as an explanation of roles and responsibilities);
• How far along the expectant mother is in her pregnancy; and
• How fast and how deep the expectant mother is ready to go in receiving and sharing information.

Sometimes expectant mothers bring someone with them to the first meeting or subsequent meetings - a parent, a friend or the expectant father.

If there is a support person like this available to the expectant mother, it is good to bring him or her to at least some of the meetings. The support person can advocate for the expectant parent by asking the agency the hard questions the expectant parent may be shy about asking or forget to ask.


Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
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CONTACT WITH AN ADOPTION AGENCY: PART 1

In most cases, our first contact with an expectant mother is via a phone call. During this call, we:

1. Listen.
2. Answer questions.
3. Ask her a little about herself and her situation, without probing beyond her comfort level.
4. Arrange for a face-to-face meeting or a second phone conversation, if she is interested and ready. If or when she is ready for a face-to-face conversation, we often arrange to meet at a neutral location, such as a restaurant - anywhere that she'll feel most comfortable.

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
[]

OPENNESS OF ADOPTIONS: PART 3

Here is a 2002 study on openness of adoptions and its effect on birthmothers' experience. The author, Dr. Ruth McRoy, found that "birthmothers in direct contact with the adoptive family report greater satisfaction with openness, lower levels of grief about the placement and more satisfaction with their role in relationship to the adopted youth. However, birthmothers in every level type of adoption were able to describe satisfactions and stressors with their level of openness."

McRoy and her colleague, Dr. Grotevant, add that "no one type of adoption fits every person's wants and needs."

We would add that, based on the conversations on the birthmother bulletin boards, there appears to be peer pressure among birthmothers to pursue fully open adoptions without taking into account the needs of birthmothers who might prefer semi-open arrangements.

McRoy and Grotevant make a particularly good point when they say: "Adoption .... should be viewed as an ongoing process rather than a one-time event." This is especially true in the context of openness.

For one set of birthparents and adoptive parents, the best arrangement may be for semi-open in the first three years or so, until the adoptive parents feel more confident that the birthparents are not going to try and take their baby back. (This is a huge fear for adoptive parents.) Many birthparents also prefer to maintain some distance, albeit for different reasons.

For another set of birthparents and adoptive parents, the best arrangement may be for frequent direct contact at the beginning, until the birthparents feel more confident that their baby is being well cared-for and thriving, freeing them to detach somewhat. (When we say "detach," we do not mean the birthparents love their child any less or forget their child. We mean that the birthparents arrive at the point where they truly release the child into the adoptive family's care emotionally and not just physically.)

And others start out with open or semi-open from the beginning, find it to be satisfactory as is, and maintain it.


Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
[]

BIRTHMOTHER STORIES: PART 1

Here is Terri Rimmer's story, a journal of her experience as a birthparent before, during and after placement 2000-2001.

Terri paints a vivid picture of what it's like for a birthmother to make and follow an adoption plan today.

You can read more birthmother diaries here.

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
[]

OPENNESS OF ADOPTIONS: PART 2

Here is a 1993 article that surveyed research: The Risks and Benefits of Open Adoption, by Marianne Berry, PhD.

As you will see from reading the article, there wasn't enough research in 1993 to come to any definitive conclusions about open adoptions (however that is defined). Also, it is no longer true that "Birthparents are typically adolescents ... " In fact, most birthparents are between the ages of 21 and 30.

And guess what. Ten years later, there still isn't much research to look at. Much of the literature in the libraries and on the web is devoted to birthparents and adoptees from the closed-adoption era.

Regardless, the 1993 article offers some food for thought.

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
[]

OPENNESS OF ADOPTIONS: PART 1

Birthparents who place children for adoption today have a very different experience than those who placed 20 years ago. Back then, the experts thought it was better for the birthparents, the adoptive parents and the adoptees to be in the dark about each other. The intentions were mostly good, but the birthmothers never got their most important questions answered: "Is my baby OK?" "Does (s)he know I love him or her?" "Is (s)he happy?"

Birthparents today have the same concerns. But today, they have the answers because most adoptions are at least semi-open.

This means that a birthparent can (to the extent she wants):

• Select which family will adopt her baby;
• Meet the adoptive family before and after the baby is born; and
• Receive pictures and letters about the baby as (s)he grows older.

Some adoptions are more open than this. Some less. The degree of openness depends on what is mutually agreeable to both the birthparents and the adoptive parents. And the level of openness may change as the baby gets older.

Some people believe that all adoptions should be completely open. The people who believe this have good intentions, just like the people who used to believe in closed adoptions. But there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all adoption. Every birthparent needs to consider what is best for her and for her child, based on their unique needs and desires.

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
[]

INTRODUCTION

Adoption is an honorable choice for expectant parents.

Adoption is not the right decision for everyone. It is the right decision for some.

This is a place where you, an expectant parent, are treated with respect. To point you to information that will help you make decisions.

We want you to feel like a whole person here. Not as a pawn. Not as a commodity.

We are a private adoption agency in Missouri. Can we be totally unbiased about adoptions? Will we try to persuade you to place a child for adoption?

The answer to both questions is no.

As an adoption agency, we do have some biases.

• We have very positive feelings about adoption. We believe adoption is a natural and honorable parenting decision. After all, adoption has been a part of the human (and animal) experience since life began on Earth.
• We also serve adoptive parents. We respect their needs and desires as we respect those of our birthparents.
• We believe that - in general - reputable, licensed adoption agencies do a better job of advocating for and protecting birthparents' interests than attorney-only or do-it-yourself adoptions. We'll talk more about this another day.

We are not going to try to persuade you to place a child for adoption. Not only would this be illegal, it would be unethical. And like we said in the beginning: Adoption is not the right decision for everyone. It is the right decision for some. You must decide.

We will point you to resources that we think will help you make informed decisions. Unfortunately, it is hard to find information for birthparents that is agenda-free. There are so many people and organizations out there who want to use expectant parents to meet their own political, religious, emotional and "cause" needs.

We do not necessarily agree with or endorse all of the information provided by the sources we point you to.

Finally, if we have an official connection with any of the resources we refer you to, we will let you know up front.

Welcome.

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
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